STOP 8/8/23 4:26pm

How do I feel?

I’m sad man.

I thought I would have more answers, I thought that I would believe in myself the same way I did in my twenties.

I’m self conscious, I’m nervous, I look in the mirror and I judge myself harder then ever before.

I’m hurting, but when people ask me how I’m doing I say the Same thing,

I can’t complain, life is good, I’m preforming every weekend. I’m doing everything I want to.

This is all true. I’m doing everything I have dreamed of, but I’m sad.

I’m scared.

I believe that if anything goes negative, and we lose everything; it will be my fault.

I find myself taking more time to breathe these days, and I’m closer to tears then ever. I could cry now. I want to live and make a living doing something I love, but each day I feel like I’m spending money and not making money.

Maybe it truly is just my fault. Maybe I’m not cut out for all of this shit.

Why can’t I knock this.

I’ll have to get back into my Yoga, I have to get back to my meditation. I need to say good things about myself everyday. I need to be nicer to myself.

Dom is a good dude, I shouldn’t treat him like he is a piece of shit, I do it every day.

I need to stop this shit.

Jump 3/7/22

Dear future me,

Chances are, Life is good, but you are struggling with something.

Chances are, you are still able to believe in yourself. 

Chances are, you’ve held on to tension you don’t need to. tension you shouldn’t keep. Let it go. 

Chances are, you still don’t have all the answers. 

Chances are, you are moving in the right direction.

chances are, the people in your love are the right people.

Chances are, you haven’t  jumped of the cliff. 

Jump. Please jump. You are worth the jump. You love to preform. You love to be on the stage. You love to create. You are good at all of these things. Jump. I’m begging you to jump. I need you to jump. 

Please Jump. 

Sincerely someone you don’t wanna be like, 

Past you.

Networking in LA 9/25/2019 8:00pm

Fake punch. egos. rock music. red lights. 

theatre, pretend, shakespeare, same ol' thing

people I like, not all of them.

Most seem like they could care less about any of us.

why do I continue to come to these events.

I'm In Love with A Beautiful Girl 11/10/19 12:45am

I’m in love with a beautiful girl 

She’s my everything 

My jewel, my pearl.

My love, 

My flame,

My friend

It’s all the same.

One in a Million 12/6/19 1:52pm

One In a Million

Why sit and frown with so many blessings around.

Woke up

Smiled

Looked her in the eyes and felt feelings I can’t explain

Tried to be cool, but fell on my face.

Why be smooth when you have the answer To the case.

All I needed was a taste and here I am.

Smiling,

Thinking,

Believing,

Discovering,

Captivated.

I don’t understand how people can second guess it when it’s like this.

Maybe this is different.

Maybe I’m that one in a million.

Django unchained, captured by his Broomhilda.

Jumping brooms and pouring sand is the only plan that seems fit.

It’s scary, Yet Easy.

Crazy, but Right.

Hold tight for the Glide.

I can show you the world with this flow.

Glow brighter then the sun it’s self.

Left speechless.

No Limits.

Best feeling I’ve ever felt.

I Think About Them 1/26/2019 12:37am

I laid down and melted into my bed.

I thought about her.

I thought about him.

I thought about all of the stress I took in today and realized it all has affected me.

Last year was hard, but I’m the guy who helps others by saying “we gon make it”.

Who do I turn to when no body needs me?

Great song, and I guess no one.

That happens a lot.

Silence.

Then a txt, Can we talk?

A call, I’ve had a bad day.

Girl gets into my lyft, my life sucks.

And all I can do is give a fuck.

Wow, I love and hate this because I do enjoy being here for people, yet I lay in bed wondering if people think about me as much as I think about them.

Does she think about me after she cries.

Did he think about me after he vented.

Am I gonna get a 10min feature in their brain tonight, or tomorrow or will it be after pain again.

Why do I care so much?

"Locked Away in my Head” 11/18/18 2:29pm

Locked Away in my head

Riding the bus to work I hear Frank Sinatra singing “I Believe in you” to me.

I believe in me too.

Just scared.

So scared.

Can’t even move. Just stuck in my seat. Afraid of tomorrow.

That’s very new for me because I’ve always attacked the day.

Wrote songs about how much I loved you but I’m singing to an imaginary “You”.

Dreading work, dreading my hair, spreading negative energy.

I just want smiles, smiles on faces for miles to view.

I still don’t have a clue how to achieve that.

This New Year’s Eve May be the first that I actually write a New Years resolution.

I’ll write something and begin my true evolution into adulthood. I just want the rest of my life to feel good. These past couple of years have beat me down. Yet, I kind of knew this was gonna be my future. I never believed I’ll be rolling in the dough at 29. Even when I’m low I believe I’m moving up, and I beat myself up but I prepped for this. Weirdly I’m down but I know I’m not out. I know I have a plan locked away in my head somewhere. When will I unlocked that door?

....I need to stop complaining.

”All I do is Think about You” 12:55am 11/13/18

”All I Do is Think about You”

All I do is think about you

All I do is think about you

And it makes me sad,

because in the movies people would be so glad to see us end up together.

Doesn’t matter whether or not we are meant to be but you and me Can’t be.

What we should be.

That’s the only true route that I see,

Sucks to be me because I’m sure I’m the only dreamer.

Dreams of simple relationship things

Dreams I cling to but push away.

So unhealthy, but it’s human; is what most in the world would say.

You make me smile, I love when you are around.

Why can’t you just be down and we can turn this world upside down and make a couple little brown babies and live happier ever after.

Instead that void is filled with laughter of my inter thoughts.

Idiot.

Why do you have to be so, you.

Stevie wonder sings, all I do,

And all i do is think of you.

You’re getting to be all that matters to me.

And I hate to see this time between us go Opposite ways,

but you deserve the worlds best.

It’s a game of chess and I’m that weird shape that just goes straight.

Whatever you say i do, meaning I’ll never be bold enough to risk that bond.

But I’ll be loving you always.

If you should discover you feel like me

If you should discover this dream is for two.

That would break down a lot of walls, it would be new And scary.

But for you, I can’t say I wouldn’t light that candle.

I can’t say I haven’t prayed for it, once a day.

I can say you are worth that.

I know that because you’re all I think about.

Day in and day out.

All I do is think about you.

“The BP on Grand “ 10/15/18 6:41pm

Sitting here at the BP on Grand.

Sitting here at the BP on Grand.

A place I’m too familiar with.

A place I can’t stand.

I hate the gas, I hate the smells, 

I hate the people, I hate the prices of the gas.

I’m here every other week hating every bit of it. 

I never go in, I just wait. 

Life passes by.

My mistakes,

My fears.

I’ve shedded tears at this very location.

I could now. 

I torture myself every other week because I have to. 

What better place then 

The BP on Grand. 

Day and night.

This is my stop point.

At this point, I’ve watched the 70 bus pass three times both directions.

It’s not safe here, but if I cross the bridge it’s even worse.

I wait here and pray “please be safe.”

I can handle this.

I can handle this.

I can handle this.

I...

I should have been responsible.

I should have listened to my mama.

.

I should have been faithful.

I should’da, could’da, would’da but I didn’t.

“I” DIDNT.

No one else.

I always feared this, and fearing it somehow made it a reality.

I deserved this, but

My son doesn’t.

“Cake or Onion, Oil or Rust” 10/03/18 3:48pm

A dead rose on the side of the road

Only tells one half of the story.

One side was happy 

The other side worried

One half talking

One half flirting 

One half grounded

The other half exploring.

Choose your side because we all no what’s happening.

This concept is almost boring,

because this show isn’t new; Its been on the road touring.

Shes ready

He’s not

He’s ready 

She’s not

They talk 

We talk

We know it’s a hot mess

Yet, they stress.

What’s next?

One half crying 

One half hopping from party to party 

The other half moving too fast 

One half forgetting the past

Both parties making decisions no one should ever make.

And at the end of the day they’re still waiting for that quake.

Waiting for the other to send them that txt.

What’s next?

Everyone knows.

But in the moment we’re all on our toes.

Relax.

Think strongly about this union.

Are you a cake, or an onion?

Think strongly about this you must.

We’re you the oil or the rust?

Think honestly about this relationship.

Was your goal the donkey or the spaceship?

Honesty is key because the truth shall set you free.

Don’t be ashamed, at some point everybody is just looking for some donkey.

You’re job is to own up to the truth for both parties. Not for them, but for you.

If you’re the rust, knock it off and get into the oil business.

If you are the cake, go find that icing. These onions stink. Let them greasy ass burgers deal with that.

Think. 

Never settle for persistence.

“You’re All I Need to Get By” 10/02/18 9:53am (inspired by the song)

You’re all I need to get by.

I say hi with a smile and it grows bigger when I say goodbye. Why be sad when I leave you? Every moment with you I get to embrace my best friend.

You make me happy.

I never feel negative energy from you.

It’s always organic positive, wonderful vibes that I crave everyday. I feel like I took one look at you and I dedicated my life to you.

It was destiny that you and I met. With you I’m absolutely at my best. With you I can open any door. You are my fun under the sun and I’ve never felt that way about anyone. I can only hope I give you half of the joy and motivation that you give me. You are always there for me in time of need to push me up the hill. I kneel at your feet with my arms opened wide, completely surrendering my independence. We’ve created a foundation that exceeds all of my wildest expectations.

With you I’ve found strength where I was torn down. I say this with full confidence;

You’re all I need to get by.

“Basketball is Life” 09/12/18 3:48pm

I remember how it felt

I accepted it. Caught the ball and never planned on fumbling. 

Touchdown, onside kick, recovered. 

I was in a very familiar place, but I wasn’t playing this night. Usually had some catfish, but just wanted to enjoy the tunes and my better half this time. Greenbean blew the sounds that moved the crowd. The floor was full with each brand of life possible. 

Smoke in the air. Car? Cigarette? Reefer? 

No one knew or cared. This was a night so great, I wish that everyone else was there. I could feel the energy in the room, I felt like I was apart of a team that could win it all. No trades this season. This season was the jump start for new adventures. 

Swayed to the beat, and held on tight. Lights, colors, not a frown in sight. This was right, this was right. I wished that this was right. 

Football is fun, but basketball is life.

“Nothing Was Real” 09/05/18 12:24am

I remember how it felt.

Standing in the wings.

The scene was set. I sang a new song every day, but the production never changed. People changing quick and lights flashing in their eyes. Nothing was real, it was all for the play. What more can i say, but this day John legend was the key. Whispers stir emotions that felt real, it felt like it wasn’t a play anymore. It felt like something real was coming to the forefront. Each day got better, but I wouldn’t let her know. It’s never clear where these feelings that could drown most come from. It seemed to stick around but it couldn’t; well it shouldn’t have. It was bad but why fight something that opened my eyes to the other side of the equation. 

Without this moment, life would be a lie.

“A Heart That I Had” 09/09/18 8:40pm

I remember how it felt. 

Clinging to the wheel, I could feel the pain. Speaking about the future, nothing felt the same.

Trying to convince the world that everything is different, but it’s not. It’s me. I had everything I wanted and needed, but the dark side had clouded the force. That forced me to use a vocabulary that I can’t even remember because it wasn’t true. I tried to crack the code and break a lock on a heart that I had no reason to let go. 

No. We aren’t done yet...

I believed that more then I believed Grass was green. I believed that more then I believed the sky was blue. I believed, but I weaved my way out of the drivers seat. The car ran me over as I laid on the pavement of anxiety. That moment felt like a bee sting compared to the aftermath. Now I’m sitting here with a missing limb because i never got that bee sting treated.

Fortunately Bees suffer after they attack. Unfortunately for me, I was the bee.

“Sweet Tea, Trains, Cigarettes and Flowers” 09/07/18 4:31pm

I remember how it felt.

Makes me smile thinking about it. 

I smiled and life took the off ramp to another neighborhood, it was new and I didn’t have a clue it was there. Walked up to the door, knocked, but realized it had been my home all Alone. Sitting on my new independence street, falling in love with my new surroundings. The grass was greener, the air was cleaner. My bucket list hadn’t predicted this wonderful check. I had checked into a mental rehabilitation center, each member was haunted by a ghost of there former selves. This center helped open my eyes to the possibility of positive relationships, honest relationships, lifetime relationships. This center was ran by a bar, and a few guitar solos. This center shot me out to the big time. NYC, LA, CHICAGO, HOW?

LOVE, 

And Love is so real.

Otis Redding was there. So was Prince. 

Sweet tea, trains, cigarettes and flowers. 

The beer was cheap, and the wine was fine. 

No place stands above the home of my heart. 

“Those last 14 steps” 09/04/18 3:23pm

I remember how it felt.

Nervous, excited, ready.

Smiling with every step I took. 

It didn’t matter to me who said what.

I was hooked and stuck.

The room smelled like saw dust and roses.

Scripts scattered around and the sound of people rushing off to enjoy a quick five.

I remember the walls were green and there was about 15 steps between us.

The infrared beams were locked and loaded.

It was simple then. I wanted to experience something I had never had before. My hands were shaking but in my pockets hiding. Each step brought me closer to the future. Just a kid with dreams and ambition. As I look back now, that attitude got me to finish those last 14 steps. It wasn’t scary at all, I was ignorant. I had no clue what would come next. 

I wanna feel that again.

“Exposed my Troublemaker” 09/05/18 12:39am

I remember how it felt.

Never getting a shot, but today I couldn’t miss the hoop. 

Free, unchained, unprepared.

I can hear people laughing at the idea of kissing me. I can see people passing notes in class but never to me. Everyone on this trip had one thing on their minds, and it was to break the rules, but not me. There was no way I was gonna be put in a situation that exposed my troublemaker; well of course that was what I felt before dinner.

Eyes speared a hole through my skull, I had to pretend I didn’t notice, but it was obvious. I felt wanted, it still didn’t set in till I heard that sweet voice. It was just for me, no one else. Everyone else tried, but it fell in my lap. 

I was the choice,

I was the prize,

I was the back up singer who had to take center stage, and I was ready for that. 

I felt like I was walking on the sun, unburnt. 

I felt like I had jumped in a mud pie and walked out clean as a whistle. 

I felt like I would never get caught.

Lesson learned.

Wouldn’t Allow Me to Stop. 8/2/18 11:18pm

No matter what I do,

All I think about is you.

You’re my bandage, my glue.

You solved my puzzle, didn’t need a clue.

Where do we go from here?

Just walk the path and our fate will appear.

Everything now feels near, 

But for so long, not having you was my fear.

I’m a man of goals and you were the top.

My crazy thoughts wouldn’t allow me to stop.

Every day was another step towards you.

Can’t believe this dream came true.

Now we race to the end of the show,

But we’ll stop to smell the roses.

Pretzels and Hummus 06/07/18 2:30am

The way I feel about you is deluded by one beautiful night. The waves were crashing and the stars above were dreamlike bright. We searched for mars. Spoke about our scars. Pretzels and hummus, Aretha Franklin playing. You spoke of your first kiss, I was captivated with everything you were saying.

I believed you, I admired you

I wanted you, I fell for you.

Not in love, but that thing before.

You wanted to take it slow, because of things before. Long honest conversation.

Couldn’t believe you had so much imagination. Maybe that’s the moment it became infatuation. I ignored all the signs, I embraced false temptation. You told me to my face about your lies. Yet I was thinking of ways to surprise you. Thinking of how to make you realize that I was worth your time.

You had won the game And I was to blame. It was a shame because I loved how you said my name. Same ol same ol, deer in headlights. Blinded by choice because I just wanted to be wanted. 

Embarrassing.

You embarrassed me and used me like a toy. Opened the curtain to Revealed a scared boy. Clinging to the idea you could make his dreams seem obsolete. 

Lucky for me she cheated and reprogrammed the mind of a wounded champ punching to the next round to “heartless”. I don’t feel bad saying you are horrible because you are. 

Petty. 

Yea I am. 

Not Her, But So Her. 06/08/18 2:02am

Before her. I

Mistreated her. 

Not her. But

So her. I

Visualized her.

Before her I was ready for the right girl, I

Mistreated her innocence.

Not sure how I got so lucky.

So sweet and unrealistic. She

Visualized what I couldn’t see. I

Barely thought about how to treat her right.

Mostly thought about my future.

Never put myself in her shoes.

Such a fairytale approach, kids in love.

Virtually doomed from the start.

Breaking hearts was new to me.

Many girls laughed at the idea of dating me.

No one looked at me like you did. But

Stubbornness kept us together.

Voicing my truth scared me half to death.

Because I didn’t want to be single anymore.

My choices were selfish and self centered.

No one deserved you.

Still I wanted it to work out.

Very much so for my own well being.

Boosting my ego.

Merely using your emotions as a pick me up.

Noting all that I had done good, and

Storing what I had done bad in outer space.

Viewing myself as untouchable.

Blatantly disrespecting your time and heart.

Motivating the stereotype that man aredogs.

Nuggets of truth, clouded with games.

Should’ve just taken time for me.

Victoriously fell on my own sword,

But what I won was the truth.

Miserable,

Negative,

Sorry,

Victim. And I deserved it.

Because you were perfect.

Made my life easier.

Never backed down.

Shook my world up. I

Vowed to myself you were the one.

But that wasn’t the case.

My inter coward stalled your life.

Numb,

Short,

Vanished feelings.

Bet you never thought I would be this cruel.

Multiple nights of tears.

No one but me,

Switching sides over night and

Ventured across the country.

Because before her. I

Mistreated her. 

Not her. But

So her. I

Visualized her.

And lost it all.